As I’m taking the next step in my life I’ve found the transition incredibly difficult.

I like to think I’m making every effort to become responsible and care for myself.

Am I though?

Patterns aren’t producing the intended results.

As soon as I think I’ve finally got it together something happens.

There always seems to be a hidden trap around the corner.

There’s another pitfall after I’ve cleared the previous one.

It’s like swimming into the current.

A lot of thoughts run through my mind when faced with such an ordeal. The first being: Why did I decide to swim into the current if I knew it was going to be hard? The second: I can probably make it, just a little farther.

Maybe I should turn back and just flow with it.

That would certainly be easier, but it’s in the opposite direction of my destination.

I could ask for help.

I don’t want to give up in the fight against the current, or the fight to take control of my life.

But it hurts like hell. I try to remind myself that it’s alright. I can do it if I just work hard enough. But, I can’t help feeling totally helpless against the course. I worry that I won’t be able to do it and feel totally useless. I keep myself up at night fretting over my future and what action I should take next. I cry myself to sleep when I fail.

That’s the absolutely worst part. I’m so afraid of failing that I can’t bring myself to take a chance or to fight.

I want to keep going. I want to be able to take the next step with confidence and be alright when it goes wrong.

I want to be able to ask for help when I need it, and say that I can’t do it alone.

But I’m afraid. I’m so afraid to fail that I can’t even say it. I’m scared to ask, scared to disappoint all the people that are proud of my accomplishments and abilities.

I’m afraid of so many things and I can’t voice it to but blog with no following.

I’m almost there. I know it. I know that I just need to ask for help. But I’m scared I’m going to fail and let down those closest to me and most importantly, I’m scared I’m going to let down myself, and I just can’t take a risk for that fear.